


poor unfortunate kruge

by embarrissed



Category: Six of Crows Series - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: BAMF Inej Ghafa, Book 1: Six of Crows, Crack, Dead Matthias Helvar, Flirty Jesper Fahey, I Wrote This Instead of Homeworking, I'm Sorry Tolkien, Jesper Is An Idiot, Kruge - Freeform, Other, Post-Book 2: Crooked Kingdom, Rat AU, Rat!Inej, Rat!Kaz, Rats love Danny Gonzales, Sentient!Kruge, Waffles, after the story, fishnets are not poggers, greg fanbase, i don't know what happened, i mention an old man. i'm sorry., i probably should've taken this seriously, idk why i decided to make kaz a rat but it happened, jk jk jk, kaz stands for Kool As Frick ZRat, matthias is a ghost, nina loves waffles, ratatong, the dregs are gregs, they're all truly greg
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 21:41:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 685
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29740296
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embarrissed/pseuds/embarrissed
Summary: kruge complains while the six of crows fam do strange things. also there are rats. the rats watch danny gonzales. they are truly greg.
Relationships: inej/knives, inej/yeeting herself out of windows, jesper/guns, jesper/kruge, kaz/kruge, matthias/death, nina/waffles, wylan/bombs
Comments: 2
Kudos: 2





	poor unfortunate kruge

**Author's Note:**

> this is also on my blog! https://ghostwithnocares.wordpress.com/

Another day. Being tossed around like I’m nothing. I’m worth a lot, actually. About 1-2 US dollars? I don’t know. US is a fictional country, anyway. (Probably for the best. It doesn’t sound like the best place to be right now). But I’m at least worth a crumb of respect, right?

Apparently not.

Jesper, a boy creepily obsessed with pistols — _and_ my current owner– presses his lips all over me. _Ugh_ , I think, wishing I had bones and muscles and a brain capable enough of _GETTING OUT OF HERE_ , _would it kill you to brush your teeth once in a lifetime?_

“Sweet, sweet kruge,” he says. I roll my stationary eyes.

Wylan, a slightly younger boy creepily obsessed with bombs –and the only person Jesper will listen to– chucks a book at his head. “Stop making love to a piece of paper!”

“Jealous?”

“No, but your pistols are.”

Jesper gasps, drops me, and cradles his guns to his chest. Wylan sighs and continues creating an atomic bomb. Jesper croons to his weapons like one does to a particularly adorable kitten.

My brethren offer their condolences and I attempt to erase all memories. Why can’t I have a responsible owner?! Like, maybe Scrooge McDuck?! At least I’d have some alone time in his vault!

Suddenly, I and a handful of my other comrades are snatched away by Inej, a girl creepily obsessed with knives –and she listens to absolutely no one. “I need this to buy waffles for Nina see you later crap-butts!” She always speaks this way– in a hurry. And then she leaps out the window, swears as she tries to extricate herself from a rosebush, and yoinks down the path.

Thankfully, the trip was uneventful and dull. I had a nice conversation with my brothers and sisters in our Lord Jesus Christ amen, and they also expressed their relief from leaving Jesper behind.

We arrive at the waffle shop. Nina and Inej chat about knives and books and shoes (I almost join in, but I realize that my sentience would make things awkward).

Then Inej fishes me out of her pocket and hands me and a few of my blood relatives to Nina. “Go order some waffles.”

Nina uncrumples me with a gentle hand and walks inside. She orders two waffles and pays with all of my family tree, leaving only me behind. So back into Inej’s pocket I go. But, due to my super-kruge abilities, I can still see what’s happening. They sit on a bench and enjoy their waffles in peace. Sometimes, the stray old man will glare at them and Nina’s not-at-all poggers fishnet socks and recently blued hair.

POOF.

A ghost appears.

Nina stumbles on with her rant, angry tears in her eyes, and shouts, “CURSE YOU MATTHIAS!”

The ghost freezes. I get second-hand embarrassment when I realize the ghost was the aforementioned Matthias.

“Stop saying I’m gone!” he whispers.

“Sometimes I still hear his voice,” she mumbles, throwing waffle crumbs at a rat. I stare at the rat for a moment. It has a weird haircut and a miniature crow-topped cane.

I’m sure it means nothing.

But then the rat scutters onto the bench, reaches into Inej’s pocket, and tugs me free. I find myself in a dank sewer, in the teeth of a rat.

“What do you want?!” I squeak.

“Pekkrat Rollins’ head on my table. But you’ll suffice for now.”

“….what?”

The rat huffs. “I’m Brekker. Kaz Brekker. K- kool. A- as frick. Z- zRat.”

“Oh, thanks for clarifying. I’m kruge. The currency.”

“How would you like to join the Gregs?”

“Gregs?”

Kaz opens the door. A semi-circle of rats turn away from the giant screen. Danny Gonzales talks about Ratatong, a widely acclaimed movie.

“Kaz!” Her rattail (both the hairstyle and the body part) whips behind her as she hurries over to punch him in the face. “Wassup?”

All eyes turn to me, the kruge.

“Finally,” the bleached-blonde says. “We can buy greg merch.”

Then the chanting begins.

“Greg.”

“Greg.”

“Greg.”

_“GREG GREG GREG GREG GRE GREGREGREGRGEBGb”_

I never see the light of day again.


End file.
